Does a Superhero have BO?

Admit it, we all wanted to be superheroes when we grew up.  We all wanted to have a superpower too.  You know, something that made you special.  Something you could do that nobody else could.  Well, here I am, pushing 40 and I finally figured out my superpower.  I don’t stink.  Wait, what?  Yes, it’s true, I don’t stink.  I’ve told you before how hot it is at work and even though I sweat my ass off, I don’t come home smelling like BO.  Maybe that should be my name “NoBOman”.  Maybe not.

I may come home smelling like chemicals, but not BO.  Wait, maybe that’s how I got my superpower.  Yeah, I was at work when I stumbled and fell into an anodizer (sulfuric acid) and it took all my stench glands.  When I finally got out of the hospital, I stumbled onto a robbery in progress.  I noticed I was sweating profusely.  So I jumped in the middle of the robbers and threatened to do jumping jacks so my BO would knock them out and they got scared.  They whispered amongst themselves “look at all that sweat, if he spreads his arms and legs, I’m not sure we’ll survive.” “I told you we should have worn gas masks instead of hello kitty masks” “Why don’t me just shoot him” “What if his blood stinks as bad as his BO, seriously, look at all that sweat.”  They eventually gave up and thus “StinkFreeman” was born.  Maybe not.

But seriously, I haven’t worn deodorant since I was in school, and that was only because I was told I was supposed to.  I could go days without showering and nobody would even notice.  Don’t worry, I generally shower most days, but I’m just saying, I seriously wouldn’t have to.  Now, back when I had hair, you could tell if I didn’t shower because of my hair, but now that I shave half and went bald on half.  I could totally get away with it.

My arch enemy would be some chick who wears too much perfume.  It’s like my kryptonite.  Someone walks by now and I about pass out.  She had a chemical spill herself so she can’t smell things so she’s not afraid of what all that sweat may smell like.  But if I get my hands on her and give her a huge sweaty hug, she goes limp until she can spray more perfume.  Then I pass out until the smell dies down, and hug her until she passes out.  It’s a vicious circle.  I definitely see multiple movies “the Sweaty Knight rises.”  Or not.

Only my love interest will know the truth, that I don’t really stink.  And that a sweaty girl turns me on.  Nothing better than some sweaty cleavage.  Oh wait, sorry, was getting into my character.  Yeah, my character thinks that.  My character “Sir Not So Stinky” thinks that.  Or not.

So I can’t think of my superhero name, but I got a superpower damn it.

 

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